A story of inappropriate humor and my dreams of being a Snowbird.

A wobbly walker at a fancy dinner with fancy people. This will make a good story someday.

People ask about my sobriety and the cancer - how they’ve impacted each other or not. They’ve always been two separate things in my mind. Both things I battled at separate times in my life, one having nothing to do with the other. But then I had an experience that showed me how every little (and big) thing is connected. Our life experiences all rolled into one big beautiful ball of yarn that flows from one color to the next, one stitch to the next. Nothing is separate. Everything touches and impacts everything and everyone infinitely. I believe that.

One time, 4 months after my brain surgery, my husband and I took a quick trip to Palm Springs, just the two of us. I was literally getting my feet under me. The right side paralysis from the brain tumor was improving but I was still unsteady on my feet. Pre-diagnosis - when we just said things like “my leg is being weird” - the unsteadiness was cause for curiosity but also a few laughs. The time I was walking down the hall at work and tried to squeeze between two men having a conversation (I work in a construction company) and my leg just wouldn’t go. I started to fall into one of the guys, the other one grabbed me before I could all out go body to body with the one. Not awkward at all. The time I kept running into the walls when I would round a corner in the house. The gifs I sent my brother of people walking goofy, telling him this is how I walk now. Him telling me he probably won’t hang out with me much;) I look back now and think maybe it wasn’t so funny (OMG) but at the time it seemed nothing more than awkward and weird and definitely not cancer. And also our family laughs at inappropriate things, no apologies here.

Back to Palm Springs.

We made reservations at a somewhat fancy restaurant but the only time we could get in was 5:00. Literally when the doors opened. As you can probably imagine, the millenials in Palm Springs weren’t eating dinner at 5:00. Their grandparents were though! It was a people watchers dream. Tan men adorned with golf club logo sweaters, fancy ladies with sparkly bags, bright lipstick, and perfectly coiffed hair. Martini drinking regulars that we shall affectionately call “snowbirds”.

So there we were, two 55 year olds, admiring the snowbirds in their habitat, watching the endless line of servers sashaying by with TRAYS of martinis.

This is what this recovered alcoholic does sometimes. Checks out everyone’s drinks. Sometimes even counts them. How many has she had? This recovering alcoholic peruses the cocktail menus and wonders aloud what all these fancy drinks are. What in the hell is a Bourbon served tableside on a smoked plank? And why? Who drinks chocolate vodka? What happened to good ol’ Grey Goose? Butterfly pea flower tea???

As it turns out, Butterfly Pea Flower Tea makes an amazing mocktail ingredient - the proof is in the pudding (or the mocktail). If you’re ever at Eddie V’s in Rancho Mirage please order The Hope Diamond without alcohol (or with if that’s your thing). The tuxedoed sashaying servers delivered Hope Diamonds in martini glasses to me twice during the evening at $16 a pop that I more than happily paid.

The Hope Diamond (without alcohol) at Eddie V’s in Rancho Mirage, CA.

Pro tip: if you are a non-drinker and want to support restaurants and bars in their endeavor to provide better and more alcohol-free options please order a mocktail when they have them on the menu:)

Anywho…

After a lovely surf and turf meal complete with bread and finished with creme brulee (this was obviously before our plant-based eating switch) we decided maybe it was time to head home. I stood up and realized that after sitting for so long my leg just wasn’t going to work. My husband was at my side, helping me out of my seat and then guiding me by the elbow as I attempted to work my way around the tables and out the front door. I was wobbly. I had visions of landing in a Snowbirds lap, maybe he/she would think it was funny. Maybe not. Perhaps I would somehow manage to bump a sashaying server and knock over a tray of those enticing martinis. I had to take each step slowly and with concentration.

We made it out without incident (it really could have been an opportunity for a good laugh later). I was so grateful my filter was working because at every step I fought with myself - do I make eye contact with the Snowbirds, point to my leg and say “I have a leg issue” or point to my head and say with a bit of humor “cancer, haha” or even a random “I’ve been sober 20 years!” because I KNOW THEY THOUGHT I WAS DRUNK. Or do I make a slightly bumpy exit staring straight ahead?

I am eye-rolling at my brain - limping out of a restaurant and I’m not fearful about the cancer or frustrated with my paralyzed leg. I’m worried that people will think I’m drunk.

My husband told me the Snowbirds were staring because I looked so pretty. Get yourself one of these guys<3

So there’s the ball of yarn. The cancer and the sobriety all rolled into one. They can’t be separated. One unit, one ball, one skein, one giant afghan, one human body…it’s just all me.

No moral to the story. Just a reminder that all is not as it appears and we are a beautiful, compiled messy mess of this roller coaster we call life. And now this 55 year old who is tired of the long, gray PNW winters is dreaming of being a bright lipstick wearing Snowbird.

K. Be good.

Welcome to the first The Good List! You’ll find this at the end of each newsletter. A compilation of things and people that are bringing me joy right now. I’d love to add a few of your joyful things to the list too! Let’s meet in the chatroom every now and then to share!

The Good List - Edition #1

Reading:

This piece from the Moving Through newsletter - killing it at “busy” and then learning to slow down all while trying to find your voice is pretty much a page from the last 5 years of my life except Heather wrote about it so much more eloquently than I could!

I absolutely loved this piece about “what I did instead of writing”. It’s just that easy to not put your butt in the chair. Sophia most definitely has a way with words.

Listening:

Mocktail Mom podcast with special guest: ME! Deb is just a huge ball of energy and warmth, probably one of the easiest and most fun podcasts I’ve done. Pardon my rudeness: I couldn’t stop talking to let her ask a question. Guess that makes her job easier?

Smartless podcast: George Clooney is my favorite episode. Literally had me laughing out loud.

Wearing:

Am shocked at how much I am loving these Converse platform Chuck’s. They are SO comfortable! I’m wearing them with wide leg jeans and trousers for a tomboy-ish athletic look. Thinking of purchasing more colors. (not an affiliate link)

Watching:

Shrinking (Apple TV) - family dynamics, work dynamics, sad people working through grief but somehow make it funny. And sweet.

TED LASSO (new season is ON!) - no explanation necessary. This and Friday Night Lights are my Top 2 shows EVER. Spoiler alert: it’s not about soccer.

Drive to Survive (F1 racing) - my husband loves F1 so I thought I’d watch this to see what all the fuss was about. I’m on Season 2 and totally sucked in. Always rooting for the underdog (and Lewis Hamilton because he’s kind and humble and a complete KING on the track).